Slowly,
I,
Tear at the seems.
As a bonfire,
I burn up in flames.

Oh so,
Dreaded,
The winter howls.
Screeching and,
Ripping apart souls.

Devour,
The light,
Of mercyful day.
For as we,
Soon will pay.

My soul,
Thin,
Like summer wind,
Breezing,
Gushing through my hair.

Crumbling,
Like the walls,
All around me,
And the dust,
Floating around.

Aching,
Like my hands,
From the blistering,
And my eyes,
From the glistening.

Let go,
Of life.
And all of,
The routine,
You’re in.

Cut off,
All contact.
Move away,
To places,
Far from here.

Only then.
You realise.
Realise the fact,
That insanity,
Is only reality.

Istumas,
Sigaretitossu seas,
Leian end,
Halvas ja heas.

Mõtlemas,
Pimeduse ajal,
Leian end,
Elus või surmanajal.

Põlemas,
Talvises tuisus,
Leian end,
Seisund introvertsus.

Raske lumi,
Matmas mind.
Jäätumas,
Mina ja maapind.

Valge maailm,
Vahelduvalt pime.
Vaikuses,
Ma sosistan su nime.

Tühi tuba,
Karje kajab.
Üksinduses,
Isik oma elu rajab.

I held your hand,
Gripped in mine.
Forever and after,
Drunk off of wine.

Our fingers fit,
Like cornerstones of life.
Imagining you in a gown,
For you to be my wife.

I remember your lips,
How pleasant they were.
I can’t imagine a life,
From you so far.
 

Kurk kui kare,
Kraabib seest.
Ei piisa siin,
Ravivast teeveest.

Käed kui põlend’,
Sigaretituhka täis.
Suits kukkus ja lendles,
Lõpuks põrandalegi käis.

Juuksed kui puru,
Narmendavad ja lahti.
Tõmbad ja sasid,
Ja läind nad ongi, sahti!

Udu on katmas,
Argipäeva tõelist pale.
Selle all toimumas,
Kõik mis must ja vale.

Valge sein,
Mille taha peita.
Matkem vaimsed kehad,
Surnuhauda tuleb heita.

Valge pimedus,
Harva see juhtus.
Vaikus ja aeglus,
Täielik puhtus.

Esmaspäev,
Ärkamine toimumas.
Teisipäev,
Silmakesed sulgumas.

Kolmapäev,
Nädala keskpaik.
Neljapäev,
Viimane pingutuslaik.

Reede,
Pinge õlgadelt maas.
Laupäev-pühapäev,
Ning algab see taas.

Oh mu silmad,
Vägisi sulgumas.
Oh see tuuleiil,
Akna vahel hulgumas.

Oh mu huuled,
Katki ja puru.
Oh maine maa,
Kuhu kadund’ su muru.

Oh mu süda,
Kadunud nüüd.
Oh mu eluraas,
Kannab seda süüd.

Oh,
my dear,
will you,
let me bleed,
the loving you need.

My skies,
they don't,
shine the way,
they used to,
without you.

Oh,
my dear,
will you stay,
with me,
angels you'll see.

Cloudy skies,
shine,
in colour,
gray and mellow,
wonderful.

Autumn sounds,
scream,
like sirens,
seem to stay,
insane.

Hollow me,
aching,
await death,
quick route out,
finally.

Hämar on maailm,
eriskummalisus.
Küünlavalgel,
justkui edevus.

Tumedais toonides,
kõik mattunud.
Vaid tänavalambid,
kerisesse sattunud.

Öine õhk,
kraapimas huuli.
Purud need niigi,
ei see peata tuuli.

Lay,
on autumn leaves.
Feel its' sorrow,
summer it greaves.

Look,
in the sky.
Full of clouds and grey,
why are they up so high?

Wait,
for winter snow.
For the jolly mood,
to take a seasonal vow.

Küünlaaroom,
tunda kaneeli.
Näha seda,
põletamas laepaneeli.

Kulmu kergitan,
see põlemast ei lakka.
Kui ka jääb,
siis hinged jäävad vakka.

Vaene alus,
täis on vaha.
Mõistab mind hukka,
olen ma siis tõesti nii paha?

Näpuga puudun,
põlevat tuld.
Vaikselt ma sulan,
olen vedel kuld.

Hommik,
õrn ja habras.
Taevamoodustisi jälgin,
kui muu maailm ärkamas.

Päev,
valge ja kiire.
Kõikjal elu käimas,
maailm enda ümber teeb tiire.

Õhtu,
pime ja hõrk.
Eesti uinumas,
kuid hing kaugeltki mitte nõrk.

The clock it moves,
slower than hell.
Waiting for it,
for the ringing bell.

The lady moves,
like an enemy of mine.
Making me insane,
is only a matter of time.

My missing knowledge,
she always wants to mock.
In place I'm frozen,
like a rock.

My fingers,
crackle in stress.
My mind,
a complete fucking mess.

My time,
here I waste.
My life,
I want to taste.

My love,
away from me.
My home,
is where I want to be.

The clouds,
they weep.
The mist,
sinking in sleep.

The wind,
wandering around.
The trees,
strongly rooted in ground.

The birds,
they're gone.
The sky,
a gray tone.

We live like kings,
yet bathe in poverty.
Finding treasure in nothing,
making us question our sobriety.

We take what is ours,
yet refuse to share.
In most of us,
caring is rare.

Refining our hearts,
difficult it seems.
We all wish for lives,
that appear in our dreams.

Deep down,
inside.
Waiting to embrace,
open wide.

Colors are vivid,
from black to red.
Emotions may flow,
yet I'm still nearly dead.

Save me,
from my wreched soul.
If not,
I fall deeper down the hole.

Waiting to wake,
from this dream.
An all-psychotic nightmare,
making me scream.

Every day is the same,
poisonous and cold.
Stuck in cycles,
it repeats like it's told.

No cure or escape,
there seems to be.
Happiness is only a word,
and it means nothing to me.

Love,
innocent and sweet.
Adorable,
when lovers to be meet.

Fragile,
easily shatters into pieces.
One small push,
to exist it ceases.

Keep on loving,
caring.
For it may end,
and your soul will be tearing.

Mõistust jätkub,
hetkeks vaid.
Siis ka ootan,
hetki paremaid.

Võimust võtab,
vari nii tume.
Katab ära,
rõõmsama jume.

Uhtub kõik,
lootus läinud.
Jätkan teed,
millel varem käinud.

Üdini öös,
mina.
Üksinda,
varjude vahel.

Vaikin,
samas karjun.
Pole kahju,
see on tüüpiline.

Endasse upun,
kaon.
Oma mõtteisse,
fantaasiasse.

Drift away,
from here.
For what I once called home,
just a memory so mere.

Ready to leave,
I'm clear.
I don't care where,
just not near.

But shackled I am,
to this life of ours.
To break free,
is to not count the hours.

A walking corpse,
death,
I exhume.
Leaving behind,
a trail long,
made of ash.
Move silent,
I do,
like wind.
Destination none,
I have,
only the path of sin.

Minimalism

Fire,
wild.
Crackling,
mild.

Rain,
cold.
Steadily,
bold.

Night,
deep.
Forgetting,
sleep.

Down and out,
feeling blue.
Craving something,
about to be due.

Following shadows,
which cannot be explained.
Walking a path,
where it recently rained.

The paranoia,
never leaves.
Stays within,
and grieves.

Fell asleep,
Saw a dream.
Nothing but,
Hearing you scream.

A nightmare,
It had been.
Excruciating,
Nothing I’d ever seen.

Woke up,
Teary eyed.
Cold sweat pouring,
As I cried.

Forget what is,
inside.
Take them all,
and hide.

Lay down,
blind.
Make no sound,
a broken mind.

Fall asleep,
dead.
Never awake,
it's in my head.

a shadow of gray,
in the sky.
starts to fray,
to tear.

a dainty bottle of wine,
between my fingers.
soothing me fine,
'til void.

a flickering candle,
accompaning me.
to music i dandle,
spending these nights.

udu,
see lummav udu.
õrn ja mattev,
ei mina selles tudu.

selles ma ekslen,
ning kaon.
väljapääsu pole,
taevast ma taon.

äkki langeb vihm,
mu õlgadele.
nüüd kindel,
öö on imeline.

The darkness of the night,
soothing my sobbing soul.
Never done anything right,
only dig myself a deeper hole.

The sounds of the night,
making me feel paranoid.
End it all I might,
my mind in a state so void.

I light a match,
a figure I see.
All I do is stand and watch,
staring at the doppelganger of me.

Nähes langevat tähte..

Moving through the clouds,
Into the horizon so far.
My eyes, fixed onto it,
The rare shooting star.

So it falls,
Quiet and modest.
Nowhere to be found again,
Its’ time to rest.

Close my eyes,
A wish I make.
Hope for it to come true,
So from this nightmare I’d wake.

VIIMASED READ MINEVIKUST

1


Unepuuduses vaeveldes, leian end iga õhtu,
vaja pole palju, ainult puhast õhku.
Hing, miks kurbusest täiened,
kaastunne, jälle sa hilined.

Pole palju vaja, et murda mind,
niivõinii mõtted täis on sind.
Igatsus naaseb päris ruttu,
siis hoian tagasi pikka nuttu.

Olles üksi, ennast haletsedes,
ei märka muutust enam ilmades.
Lootust on, et rahu leiab,
siis olen mina see, kes kindlalt seisab.

2 

Far away from peace,

I want the pain to cease.

Please, give me a chance,

I want to have this last dance.

Endings aren't supposed to be hard,

or make me feel like a retard.

But that's how I shall remain,

to keep me from going insane.

When I call, answer kindly,

I talk like before, very open-mindly.

If you reject me again,

I don't want to imagine the amount of pain,

I will have to suffer.

3

Why did I let it change me,

never can I now be completely free.

Every time I think about it,

my mind just goes to shit.

I had almost forgotten the taste of pain,

now I feel like crying in the rain.

I have to let this out,

just need to scream and shout.

This experience has made me wise,

to make me realise,

I hate myself.

4

lahkudes siit,

jättes maha kõik.

purunes see igavene liit,

lõpetamata jääb jutulõik.

leides end,

üksinda endiseast,

sinu jaoks ma vaid,

vaatleja esireast.

öövaikuse saatel,

endasse tõmbun,

et iial naasta.

5

jätkem end,

saatuse rüppe.

siis me näe,

kuidas kulgeb me elulend.

leidkem see,

mida otsida annab.

kindlaks jäägem endile,

varsti keegi teine me muret kannab.

tahtejõudu suurendades,

võimalikuks saab,

kõik mis iial lootnud oleme.

6

take my hand,

well float away.

hold me tight,

it would make my day.

the thought of ending my life,

stays in my head.

wonder what you will become,

after i am dead.

teary eyed, 

I pass out each night.

what I wouldn't do,

to not've had that fight.

please, all I want,

is to be with you,

but do that, we can't.

7

Seeing the sun, shining in the sky,

making me wonder when I'm going to die.

The clouds are gone, they're not there,

but the icy cold and snow is everywhere.

The winter breeze, a touch so tender,

oh I wish it would return to the sender.

My only request is viciously sweet,

that the sun and cold never again meet.

8

For all that it's worth,

I should've died at birth.

Then I wouldn't be sad,

never would've made anybody mad.

Sorry to all the lost souls,

you had big roles.

Forget about this disgrace of man,

leave me out of your lifes plan.

9

Mäletan elu ilma mureta,

see hell mu vastu oli.

Kõik nii ilus siis veel tundus,

mõtetele andsin ma vaba voli.

Olles kaotand’ selle kõik,

mõistsin mina, kaugel võit.

Muserdav argipäev, miks sa pead,

leidma minus kõik mu vead.

Morniks muutub alati tuju,

parata ma sinna ei saa.

Elu, miks sa enam ei suju,

kaevad üles mõttemaa.

10

My wounds are deep,

can't get any sleep.

All I do is weep,

all our memories I keep.

Trying to move along,

listening to our song.

Living life wrong,

sadness stretched too long.

Coping with this pain,

nothing to gain.

Crying in the rain,

laying in painful vain.

A never-ending path,

unexpected wrath.

Tears fill the bath,

this is the aftermath.

A big price I paid,

onto the railroad I laid.

I'm a worthless maid,

who needs a ton of aid.

Myself is all I hate,

the hour is once again late.

Death is my certain fate,

but also a freedom gate.

Fucked up, I let myself get,

treating me as a household pet.

I can make a bet,

tears make my pillow wet.

Torn apart, burnt to ash,

an object for people to smash.

Left me a eternal gash,

no where left to dash.

My body icy cold,

covered with sickening mold.

Not a single ounce of gold,

worthless I am, I have been told.

This soul, finds its' end,

once there's nothing left to mend.

A letter then I have to send,

rules I will bend.

11

The spirits gather,

from my past.

My mind would rather,

stand in the line as the last.

There, they would observe,

how does he have the nerve.

To stand in a line, how could he,

where he does not belong to be.

They shout, they scream,

let out excess steam.

Order me to go away,

not to go their way.

I do, like always,

what I'm told.

Waiting for the days,

where it isn't so cold.

12

suletud värav mu sisimas,

avada ei oska.

tunded seal, soojemas,

põgeneda ei soovi.

13

living in a world so tragic,

disbelief in all kinds of magic.

every soul has something to borrow,

ending in a lifetime of sorrow.

tears cover my face,

body shivers.

my mind has no space,

for the flowing emotional rivers.

Bleeding all the time,
It never ends.
These cuts never fade,
Sad messages it sends.

Alcohol, my one true love,
Always by my side.
Numbing the pain,
Taking me for another ride.

So leave me be,
I won’t care.
You will feel much better,
If my pain you don’t have to bear.

Üks luuletükk minevikust.

Koidukuma,
see õrn valgus.
Nii mõnigi end väljast leiab,
uue tööpäeva algus.

Hiljaaegu,
mõistsin mina.
Kõik on lootusetu,
leidkem mulle surnulina.

Kogu see viin,
mis mul sees.
Ei aita enam raasugi,
mu tundlakatel üle kees.

Ootan tunde,
Su ukse taga.
Lootust ju on,
et Sa ei maga.

Süütan viimase suitsu,
liigun kodu poole, ei tuitsu.
Siis komistan, kukun,
asfalti embuses tunde tukun.

Hiljem avan silmad,
meeled pingel
Seal Sa oled,
mu armas ingel.

Anna omi käe,
'abista end'.
Kuid kas see on tõsi,
või aint mu unelend.

Siis Sa kaod,
ärkan üles.
Kõik oli uni,
mu fantaasiasüles.

Tõusta püüan,
kui ei suuda.
Pisarad ja veri,
need mu seisundit ei muuda.

Ning seal ma suren,
vigane ning loll.
Muutund' kõik oli,
mõttetuks muutunud mu eluroll.

So then,
there I stood.
Syringes full of 'medicine',
I felt like I was Robin Hood.

One pill after another,
selfless torture.
Hoping for something,
possibly a rapture.

I was like poison,
in a pool of water.
Killing off relations,
a bigger ego I gather.

Raindrops falling,
the sound of nature calling.
Wanting to meet,
In a manner real discreet.

Tempted am I,
no reason to lie.
Drowned in rain,
a sanity to maintain.

In a parallel universe,
in an eternal sleep I immerse,
Consisting of memories,
full of friendlies.

i'm fragile,
i'm weak.
standing on the edge,
of a mountain's peak.

full of wanderlust,
want these thoughts to cease.
i'm like a puzzle,
missing a piece.

in the forest,
soaked in rain.
yet i stand,
haven't been slain.

The sky,
A perfect shade of blue.
Meaningful and deep,
A heavenly avenue.

The air,
Seemingly immaculate.
Freshly flowing,
Wanting to circulate.

The rain,
Special to me.
Allows to think,
Gives a reason to be.

Nii ma istusin,
teetass käes.
Päike loojumas,
loodus oma täies väes.

Muusika kõrvi paitas,
lõõgastavama näis.
Kodune paradiis,
see pole vaid meie päis.

Kumavad toonid,
tuppa jõudsid.
Silmi pimestasid,
nende sulgemist nad nõudsid.

An ashtray,
Filled to the top.
A mind,
Any moment going to pop.

A feeling,
So unpleasant.
A voice,
Silence it, I can’t.

A moment,
Shattered by time.
A poem,
Written with a moody rhyme.

the air,
so thick and deadly.
just like my mind,
dark thoughts, all in a medley.

caffeine and aspirine,
friends so nice.
a night lasts for ages,
as long as they suffice.

music real proper,
fits the atmosphere.
keeps the mood low,
still nothing to fear.

The note on the table

The note on the table,
A text it reads:
’’I am leaving here,
To where, there are no leads.

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,
As always.
Don’t long for me,
Don’t count the days.’’

Shattered, I fall,
The ground stops me.
Tears fall around,
’’How could this be?’’

Woke up feeling worthless,
Mind was a complete mess.
All I heard were raindrops falling,
The wind was howling aswell.
No sun to welcome me,
Silent were the singing birds.
Moodless I laid under the sheets,
Waiting for this dream to end.

living in a world so tragic,
disbelief in all kinds of magic.
every soul has something to borrow,
ending in a lifetime of sorrow.

Vihmasabin aknalaual,

Kõnnin talve igavesel haual.

Taevas nii kurb ja hall,

Päikest varjab katkematu pilvevall.

Puud ja maa rohelust täis,

Suvemõtteid leidub kõigi päis.

Suvi kui päästja viimne,

Suhe sellega vägagi intiimne.

Vihma seast leidub vaikust,

Milles armastust luuakse vihatust.

Taevas ja maa, ühtsena,

Loovad pildi väga kena.

Aeg, lendleb ja möödub,

aastatagune värske mälestus.

Elu, vaikselt suubub,

iga päev on uus imestus.

Ootad põnevusega homset,

näha seda, mis rõõmu toob.

Samaaegselt igatsed eilset,

head tuju see ju loob.

Päike taas loojunud,

taevas ja meri sulavad.

Ning nagu ma soovinud,

Su naer ja hääl mu peas kõlavad.

rahu,
vihm ja öö,
pole veel hommik,
kuid juba ootab töö.

liitu taevaga,
ühine pilvedega.
ei hoia elust kinni,
ainult end kulbiga segad.

miski mõttekambris,
kuskil nurgas.
ei suuda seda leida,
paksult sitta täis on see urgas.

kas see on kõik,
ongi nüüd sedasi?
muud midagi,
liigun veelgi edasi.

you're a pleasant sight,
the color of your eyes is just right.
you are my daily sunlight,
that's why i hold you so tight.

the fragrance on wear,
it's captivating, i swear.
the clouds apart i tear,
so the summer you'd hear.

that place in my mind,
to your name is signed.
you're just a different kind,
one that is hard to find.

je t'aime.

kas kord ja kohus,

siin olematuks muutund'?

see pole see,

vaja seda vähem kui lund.

kõrge arvamus,

elu mõttekasarmus.

mis sääl ikka,

arutelu polnd' vaja pikka.

kõik ju lõppes,

nagu alati.

need sõnad,

'fuck you'

lootus ja hoolivus,
kadusite jällegi.
mis sest, tavaline juba,
ürgne nälg ei oota luba.

16.04.2012

issand, seal taevas,
mis saand', mis teed?
kõik maa valge,
ummistad kevadised ojaveed.

loll oli must arvata,
muutund' sa pole.
trikitad ikka inimhingi,
kevad ju ei tohiks olla külm ja kole.

säärane viis,
kõlanud toon.
see nii vastukarva,
küll ma su varsti üles poon.

13.04.2012

vahel tahan vaid,
unustusse vajuda.
mitte näha järgmist maid,
reaalsust mitte tajuda.

aeg liigub vaid edasi,
peatu palun hetkeks.
ma ei oska elada sedasi,
pole valmis elu retkeks.

leian end,
ööpimedust embamas.
justkui kadund' vend,
sõbralikkusega maha sadamas.